Kandahar Break premier

I started August in a great way: The 'Kandahar Break' premier. The cinema was absolutely full. The director, David Whitney, briefly introduced the film and there we were, grabbing the fabric of our film partners' jackets with our fingernails, clenching our teeth, biting our lips, sitting at the edge of our seats; since the action started in minute one and the story didn't let us go for a second. Magnificent landscapes, excellent performances, scarily authentic! It was great to see the final product. Especially because I was privileged enough to live part of the process. The 'from-home' process. I said goodbye to R for more than a month. I prayed every night for him to be safe. I followed the news and got scared on every piece where the Taliban or Pakistan were mentioned. I read every long email of his narrating the adventure. I was waiting for him after the emergency evacuation. And yes, it was fantastic to see the hard work of everyone materialised into an excellent film. It was great to see them in the after party talking about their experience in Pakistan. I thank R because he's taught me to watch films in a different way. I have never seen a better example of excellent team work. Different languages, different cultures, different views, different sleeping patterns, different ways to cope with the 50ºC of the desert! And finally, all the differences converge together and become one piece of art. From here I wish the film and everyone involved in it all the luck in the world.

Check out the film's facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Kandahar-Break/89397491485

The postgrad party

I keep thinking about my university days as a time which feels very close to me. I think university and I think philosophy, hunger for knowledge, creative curiosity, adventureous travelling. Friendship. Passion. My writing. All the reading I have done, I am doing and I will ever do comes from those days. They are so close to my heart. Myself. The start of the life I want. The meaning of the life I want. My life.
However, that happened looooong ago. I never realised how long until last Sunday I went to Manchester to see the play 'Temp/Casual', where my friend Marlon was acting. The play was about this group of friends who went to uni and graduated together, and how life changed (or they changed because of life) a few years after graduation. How passions fell down. How dreams were only for a few chosen ones. How relationships deteriorated. How friendships were sold and bought. How the very enthusiastic media graduates had to continue to re-invent themselves, some to succeed, some to survive. They called that period 'the postgrad party' and the concept grabbed me and didn't let me go. How has my postgrad party been? Am I still living the postgrad party or am I suppose to have moved on? How can we call the next phase? Will I ever get there or am I stuck in the re-invention marathon? I went through my memories, and time acquired a different dimension. University days feel now so far away. I am nostalgic. I miss the coffees at the canteen, the carefree attitude, the poems, the believe everything was going to lead me to the life of my dreams. The thought there would be always time for everything and for everyone. I miss me. The timeless me. And then I find myself, closer to the past than ever. Closer to complete the puzzle with the pieces I've been scattering all this time. As in Temp/Casual I have desintegrated in empty relationships, I have been a prisoner in meaningless jobs, I have been suffocated by people who think their little narrow world is The World. People who have tried to convince me of that. People I don't want to become. I have fantasised with killing my boss or some colleagues. I will not sell myself, except that I must. Where did my dream go? I must survive. Pay rent, keep studying, bills, taxes, food! The postgrad party. I will be an actress then. Are there others like me? Now my play is a full time job. Maybe mine is a long way round but I haven't lost faith and I know now I'm in the right path. It needs adjustments. Granted. A bit of luck. A bit of work. A lot of faith things might not be easy but I will always find the way. I enjoy going through my postgrad party memories so far. I am happy the way life has turned out. I am grateful for every step. If I can say that, I am complete and yet still seeking.


Enjoy the party!

Oblivion: End of the ban.

"Face your fears! You know you shouldn't look, but you won't be able to stop yourself taking a peek at the colossal vertical drop".

The reading ban is over. It has been over for three and a half days now so I feel I owe myself this post. Something I would like to begin with is that the fact of not being able to read didn't necessarily give me more time. Still in the office for most of the day + 3 hour travelling time each day don't allow too much spare time anyway. Was it worth it? Well, YES. In a strange way.

First feeling: Oblivion. Exactly like the ride (: the build-up (OMG, OMG); the anger (I really don't want to do this, why am I still here?); the fear (What will I do?); the increased anxiety levels (where do these voices come from now? Have they always been there?). I need to say I have experienced both 'Oblivions', the metaphorical and the physical ride (Thanks R, R and Zafron), and they have LOADS IN COMMON.

First question: Why do I read?

1. Refuge
2. To stop time
3. Pleasure
4. Being transported to a different reality
5. Research
6. Information
7. Communication
8. To stop doing chores
9. To stop other activities that, although I want to do them, they ask for greater effort (i.e writing)
10. Learn

Consequences of the ban:

1. Many, many unexpected thoughts. Anxiety.
2. Thoughts would create chaos around my life and the tiniest decision.
3. Thoughts couldn't be quiet. I had to isolate them and deal with them separately. That took time and effort.
4. When I was too tired to do anything else, I had to try very hard to avoid TV. I was bored, something I hadn't experienced in a long time.
5. Isolation. Most of communication exchanges happen via electronic devises nowadays: e.mail, blogs, texts. Personal and social isolation (I tend to read news rather than watch news, especially because I can select what I want to know about. On TV or radio somebody decides for me what I should know).
6. Disruption of night ritual.

What I got out of it:

1. I tidied up the house and the office.
2. I tidied up my head (dealt with thoughts I hadn't before)
3. I went straight into writing when I had to.
4. I experienced a different way of creativity. Something less artistic and more embeded in everyday life: cooking, food shopping, yoga series, clothing, writing, advice given to others.

Some of the main benefits I have taken out of it are

1. Awareness of how I distribute my time during the day.
2. Awareness of why I read and decision of keeping reading but only for the right reasons.
3. Awareness of having to find a balance in my life by deciding the time I allocate to the activities which are important to me.
4. Need for a reading-writing balance.
5. VERY IMPORTANT: Need for empty time to allow creativity to emerge and deal with inner thoughts.
6. In LIFE, like on Oblivion, even after taking a peek at the colossal vertical drop, you only have three things left to do: breath, relax and enjoy the ride.

La felicidad/ Happiness

Why do we know and still forget it?

Reading ban. Part 3: This is torture (but I can see hope)

I've been in Manchester today. I love going back there. It feels so home I can't even believe that nearly nine years ago the place was to me nothing worse than an unkown monster ready to eat me alive.
The difference? History. My history. Anyway, as you can imagine I nearly forget my reading ban... Imagine the situation! 2 hour train journey and my laptop with me... But NO. I prepared myself for what I was going to do at Manchester. I took some notes. I wrote my morning pages... Success.

The journey back was slightly harder and the reason is something happened in between. I went to an interview for a Yoga Training course. How did I get there? Well, I don't know. It just made sense suddenly. Life one day fell like a puzzle where the pieces were easily following into place. I met the lovely Annie Jones and I can say I have already learnt things in our conversation. I had a fantastic time and meeting Annie was trully inspiring. This is their webside, if you want to check it out: http://www.druworldwide.com/

The pictures I've included in this post belong to Dru Yoga too.

Ok, so, on my way back I was sitting in the train all busy deep in thought trying to forget I had a brand new Yoga book in my handbag. Ahhhhhhhh! Ok, I'll just look at the cover, I said to myself. I did. Only the 'Contents page'. And I opened to 'just look at the first page'. And... back to my handbag. Yes. I resisted. Close though. Everyone around me, EVERYONE was reading. Reading papers, magazines, notes, books. EVERYONE. So unfair. Why can't I? What am I taking out of all this in such a situation? Locked in a train! Nothing else to do! Well, while lost in my own angry thougths I found an answer: If I read (same as if I kept angry) I would miss out on the gorgeous green landscape of the Peack District, the mountains changing colour in the evening hours, the rain nurturing the earth, the smell of it coming in from the open window. I would stop being present in that right unique moment. A moment that, like all moments in our life, will never come back.

Reading ban part 2. Chaos.

Have you ever felt identified with this image? This reading ban is sending me there. I am realising how full my head is. Some use-ful(l) things and also loads of clutter. They all live together in their own chaotic way. And that mad espectacle is happening inside me. Now I cannot silence it with other stories, with other words. I cannot quiet my mind. Now I feel this urge to clean (inside and outside), to get rid of everything and start fresh new, but the urge fights with the endless 'to do' list that keeps popping up in front of me like an invisible computer screen. With my duties at the office. With what other people expect from me. The prioritising device is failing. What do I do first? I haven't finished one thing and I'm already thinking 'what's next' with the permanent feeling that I am wasting my time. All this raises the question of what reading means to me. I have always seen reading as my nurturing space, as pleasure, information, mental travelling and imagination, connexion with other worlds (known and unknown), and among all, insipiration. I see now that reading is also my refuge and without it I am alone in the open chaotic universe of my own thoughts. I'm still keeping positive though. I am sure something good will come out from this 'fasting'. Maybe I am making space for the things that really matter. And reading really matters, don't get me wrong, but I am willing to find out something new, a new and meaningful space for it. For now, I'm going to start my office de-cluttering process. Wish me luck on that!

Reading ban part 1

As some of you might know I am reading (and completing) Julia Cameron's The Artist Way. It's an interesting book that puts you through a creative self-discovery journey. So far so good. However, in Chapter 4, the book bans you from reading for a week. And I got there. Chapter 4. This is just my second day without reading and I am finding it extreeeemely difficult. How can I live without reading? Where do I find my inspiration? I've realised how much time I spend every day just reading. And I'm not talking only about reading for pleasure. Reading to work, reading to be informed, reading to communicate, reading the food labels, reading as a reward, reading to kill time, reading to stop myself from doing something else I should... That's the point of the reading ban, probably. Or at least one of them. Facing reality. Getting rid of distractions, just for a week. Take some perspective. After writing my pages this morning, after my yoga session I thought 'Hey, before I get down to my writing I'll check if I have comments on my blog', 'I'll see if there is a new entry on SWIM blog', 'Oh, I'll read this and this blog'. 'That seems interesting, I'll follow the link and read about it...' Nooooooo! I'm not allowed to read this week. Bye bye before-to-bed-reading-pages too. Waiting-for-my-class-book. And I can see the point. That's the worst. I need to de-clutter my life. I'm now in that process: decluttering the house, the office, the files, the computer, giving clothes away, and most importantly, decluttering my thoughts. I can see how so many words are stopping my own to become alive. So, yes, I understand the ban. But I AM NOT ENJOYING IT AT ALL. It makes me feel so isolated. It makes me face what I need to do with no space for procrastrination. I'm ready to do it, though. I am open to what this week can teach me. And I hope I find a sense of balance and perspective after all. However, right now, I AM STILL HATING IT.