I woke up early this morning. 6am to be exact. Pretty early for a Sunday morning after an exhausting week at work. But here I am, full of beans, and being all productive and active and writing loads of ideas and hoping I will get the time and the energy to do them all and do them soon. Because, let's face it: always working overtime kills the most excited imagination, and that's my new life -work, work, work- which I am trying to come to terms with, reinventing myself every single morning with also re-invented energy, which never seems to see the light of the new day, when the working week sucks me into its hollow spiral of running around the campus, teaching far too many lectures and marking, and preparing, and managing and administering, all that within a 50plus-hour-a-week marathon. My working week spits me from its insides on Friday evening. There is nothing left of me. A body that drags around the house trying to make sense of the free time. And then the chores attack. Life I've been putting on hold knocks on the front door. Breathing has been one of the supposedly innate skills I've struggled to master this last year. Something inside me copes with my current life by giving it an air of unreality. Life put into brackets. A waiting room for my real life. Then I read this poem this morning, Beheaded, by Polly Clark and, just after reading the first verse, I felt taken and drawn towards it. The poem belongs to the collection Take me with you (Bloodaxe, 2005) but I read it in Mslexia, an amazing Creative Writing magazine I'm addicted to. It also features an interview with the poet and there were two things that specially stroke me:
Sunday 29 November 2009
If you have your head cut off, you remain conscious for several minutes after
I woke up early this morning. 6am to be exact. Pretty early for a Sunday morning after an exhausting week at work. But here I am, full of beans, and being all productive and active and writing loads of ideas and hoping I will get the time and the energy to do them all and do them soon. Because, let's face it: always working overtime kills the most excited imagination, and that's my new life -work, work, work- which I am trying to come to terms with, reinventing myself every single morning with also re-invented energy, which never seems to see the light of the new day, when the working week sucks me into its hollow spiral of running around the campus, teaching far too many lectures and marking, and preparing, and managing and administering, all that within a 50plus-hour-a-week marathon. My working week spits me from its insides on Friday evening. There is nothing left of me. A body that drags around the house trying to make sense of the free time. And then the chores attack. Life I've been putting on hold knocks on the front door. Breathing has been one of the supposedly innate skills I've struggled to master this last year. Something inside me copes with my current life by giving it an air of unreality. Life put into brackets. A waiting room for my real life. Then I read this poem this morning, Beheaded, by Polly Clark and, just after reading the first verse, I felt taken and drawn towards it. The poem belongs to the collection Take me with you (Bloodaxe, 2005) but I read it in Mslexia, an amazing Creative Writing magazine I'm addicted to. It also features an interview with the poet and there were two things that specially stroke me:
Thursday 17 September 2009
MOVING
1. Music in the morning. Since my laptop crashed two weeks ago (ay, ay, ay!), I haven't been able to play my Yogamazing podcast (which I strongly recommend) for my morning yoga. That threw a spanner in the works. As the routine persone I am, I struggled once again with my morning ritual. But only initially. I am now making up my own workouts in the morning and I listen to nice soothing music, which gently wakes me up and puts me in a good mood. Although I have re-arranged the study room (where the desktop lives) to practise my yoga there, I think I'm still going to combine my 'musical yoga' with the podcast. I was in downward dog one morning and I found myself smiling. That needs to carry on.
2. WALK, NOT RACE! Unless I'm running a marathon (rather doubtful right now). And still in a marathon, your pace must be steady, your stamine well measured and you must enjoy every minute. I've realised I do everything in a rush. As if my life went with it. So I've started SLOOOOOOOWING down and enjoying every breath. I hope I can maintain that when I start my classes... To my previous sentence on suffering, I would add suffering is also being detached. Walking (at lunch time, to get the bus, to the gym, even up and down the uni stairs to go to the toilett!) makes me feel more connected with the universe. I am a part of everything else (the hippy-in-me had to emerge at some point...) There is no point in running towards or running away, UNLESS I AM ACTUALLY RUNNING. And that links with my next change.
3. Running. For now, on the treadmill. I am currently reading Haruki Murakami's What I talk about when I talk about running. Well, and it's really got me moving. Running is something I had been thinking about for a long time but never quite got myself to do. So here I am. So far I am running 3 times a week, 40 minutes each time. I haven't run more than 4 miles per session but hey, it's a start. This week I've run twice and, oh no!!!! I woke up this morning with a bad cold, which made me stay working from home and , of course, away from the treadmill. Let's hope I can catch up on Saturday. Running has made me laugh several times. After only a few minutes my 'evil' inside voice started its chatter: you are tired, can't breath, your legs hurt, you've run for ten minutes, that is enough, you could stop... The minute I identified the voice as the 'evil voice' and gave it a caricature face and sound, everytime the inner chatter would start, I would feel like laughing so much at it! I won! Of course!
4. Journaling. As I seemed to fail at Morning Pages, I got more and more into journaling. I've done it at any time. On the bus, before bed, waiting for my gym class... I know I need to get back into the completion of The Artist's Way. But, after its sudden interruption, I'm just letting things to settle and journaling has been a fantastic way to reflect on what is going on right now in my life.
And that's it for now. The above have been my 4 pre-seasonal changes. They appeared without previous notice. They didn't (directly) respond to any goal setting session. They just happened. Adaptation, I suppose. And the principle of 'movement' as survival. As Haruki Murakami mentions on the first chapter of his book, "pain is inevitable, suffering optional".
I would be very happy if you shared with me which little changes you may have introduced in your 'back-to-school' routine and how they have helped your overall health and wellbeing. Leave a comment if you have read me!
And what about leaving you with another Macaco song? This one has hit the Spanish summer lists this Summer. It's called MOVING. (Please, click on the link, for some reason I wasn't allowed to embed this video).
Picture: By moi. Taken on the 16th of August in Gargallo (Teruel, Spain). The performance was 'jotas', the traditional Aragon music and dance. They always manage to make me cry since they reminde me of my grandparents, who are not here anymore. All my 'jotas' pictures are dedicated to them, Pilar and Antonio.
Thursday 10 September 2009
I missed the bus twice!
And yes, I was 30 minutes late at work. So what? The classes haven't started yet. I am the boss of my time.
Picture from FreeFoto.com
Wednesday 2 September 2009
Seguiremos, a happy song for you
Los sueños cambiaron el destino de los hombres y de las naciones (voz en off)
Di sí (oh oh) seguiremos (oh oh)
Si dicen perdido yo digo buscando,
Si dicen no llegas de puntillas alcanzamos,
Y sí (oh oh) seguiremoos (oh oh).
Si dicen caíste yo digo me levanto
Si dicen dormido es mejor soñando
Entre unos y otros ahí estás tú
Somos los mismos somos distintos
Pero nos llaman multitud.
Perdonen que no me levante
Cuando digan de frente y al paso
No somos tropas no somos soldados
Mejor gotas sobre olas flotando.
Y sí (oh oh) seguiremos (oh oh)
Si dicen perdido yo digo buscando,
Si dicen no llegas de puntillas alcanzamos,
Y sí (oh oh) seguiremoos (oh oh).
Si dicen caíste yo digo me levanto
Si dicen dormido es mejor soñando
Perdonen que no me aclare
En medio de este mar enturbiado
Nos hicieron agua trasparente
No me ensucien más,
Yo ya me he manchado.
y es que hay una gran diferencia
entre pensar y soñar
yo soy de lo segundo
En cada segundo vuelvo a empezar.
Y sí (oh oh) seguiremos (oh oh)
Si dicen perdido yo digo buscando,
Si dicen no llegas de puntillas alcanzamos,
Y sí (oh oh) seguiremoos (oh oh).
Si dicen caíste yo digo me levanto
Si dicen dormido es mejor soñando
Hoy sabemos que lo importante es soñar, liberar nuestro inconsciente, el filtro de censura del pensamiento, creemos que al soñar perdemos un tercio de nuestra vida, y nos equivocamos. (voz en off)
Y si (oh oh) seguiremos (oh oh)
Si dicen perdido yo digo buscando,
Si dicen no llegas de puntillas alcanzamos,
Y sí (oh oh) seguiremoos (oh oh).
Si dicen caíste yo digo me levanto
Si dicen dormido es mejor soñando
Si dicen caíste yo digo me levanto
Si dicen dormido es mejor soñando
Hoy sabemos que lo importante es soñar (voz en off)
Tuesday 4 August 2009
Kandahar Break premier
Wednesday 29 July 2009
The postgrad party
However, that happened looooong ago. I never realised how long until last Sunday I went to Manchester to see the play 'Temp/Casual', where my friend Marlon was acting. The play was about this group of friends who went to uni and graduated together, and how life changed (or they changed because of life) a few years after graduation. How passions fell down. How dreams were only for a few chosen ones. How relationships deteriorated. How friendships were sold and bought. How the very enthusiastic media graduates had to continue to re-invent themselves, some to succeed, some to survive. They called that period 'the postgrad party' and the concept grabbed me and didn't let me go. How has my postgrad party been? Am I still living the postgrad party or am I suppose to have moved on? How can we call the next phase? Will I ever get there or am I stuck in the re-invention marathon? I went through my memories, and time acquired a different dimension. University days feel now so far away. I am nostalgic. I miss the coffees at the canteen, the carefree attitude, the poems, the believe everything was going to lead me to the life of my dreams. The thought there would be always time for everything and for everyone. I miss me. The timeless me. And then I find myself, closer to the past than ever. Closer to complete the puzzle with the pieces I've been scattering all this time. As in Temp/Casual I have desintegrated in empty relationships, I have been a prisoner in meaningless jobs, I have been suffocated by people who think their little narrow world is The World. People who have tried to convince me of that. People I don't want to become. I have fantasised with killing my boss or some colleagues. I will not sell myself, except that I must. Where did my dream go? I must survive. Pay rent, keep studying, bills, taxes, food! The postgrad party. I will be an actress then. Are there others like me? Now my play is a full time job. Maybe mine is a long way round but I haven't lost faith and I know now I'm in the right path. It needs adjustments. Granted. A bit of luck. A bit of work. A lot of faith things might not be easy but I will always find the way. I enjoy going through my postgrad party memories so far. I am happy the way life has turned out. I am grateful for every step. If I can say that, I am complete and yet still seeking.
Enjoy the party!
Wednesday 22 July 2009
Oblivion: End of the ban.
The reading ban is over. It has been over for three and a half days now so I feel I owe myself this post. Something I would like to begin with is that the fact of not being able to read didn't necessarily give me more time. Still in the office for most of the day + 3 hour travelling time each day don't allow too much spare time anyway. Was it worth it? Well, YES. In a strange way.
First feeling: Oblivion. Exactly like the ride (: the build-up (OMG, OMG); the anger (I really don't want to do this, why am I still here?); the fear (What will I do?); the increased anxiety levels (where do these voices come from now? Have they always been there?). I need to say I have experienced both 'Oblivions', the metaphorical and the physical ride (Thanks R, R and Zafron), and they have LOADS IN COMMON.
First question: Why do I read?
- Refuge
- To stop time
- Pleasure
- Being transported to a different reality
- Research
- Information
- Communication
- To stop doing chores
- To stop other activities that, although I want to do them, they ask for greater effort (i.e writing)
- Learn
Consequences of the ban:
- Many, many unexpected thoughts. Anxiety.
- Thoughts would create chaos around my life and the tiniest decision.
- Thoughts couldn't be quiet. I had to isolate them and deal with them separately. That took time and effort.
- When I was too tired to do anything else, I had to try very hard to avoid TV. I was bored, something I hadn't experienced in a long time.
- Isolation. Most of communication exchanges happen via electronic devises nowadays: e.mail, blogs, texts. Personal and social isolation (I tend to read news rather than watch news, especially because I can select what I want to know about. On TV or radio somebody decides for me what I should know).
- Disruption of night ritual.
What I got out of it:
- I tidied up the house and the office.
- I tidied up my head (dealt with thoughts I hadn't before)
- I went straight into writing when I had to.
- I experienced a different way of creativity. Something less artistic and more embeded in everyday life: cooking, food shopping, yoga series, clothing, writing, advice given to others.
Some of the main benefits I have taken out of it are
- Awareness of how I distribute my time during the day.
- Awareness of why I read and decision of keeping reading but only for the right reasons.
- Awareness of having to find a balance in my life by deciding the time I allocate to the activities which are important to me.
- Need for a reading-writing balance.
- VERY IMPORTANT: Need for empty time to allow creativity to emerge and deal with inner thoughts.
- In LIFE, like on Oblivion, even after taking a peek at the colossal vertical drop, you only have three things left to do: breath, relax and enjoy the ride.